This is something I’ve been thinking about for awhile. I’ve tried to write this post a few times… getting a few words down and then backspacing it all away. Sometimes it’s hard to find the right words to express what you want to express…making it sound the way you want it to sound! Sometimes you just have to put your fingers to the keyboard and go with it!
I have this spare room… remember when I gave you a tour of my house? Remember how it has one of these in it…. (have no fear my rooms aren’t blue…just was playing around in the photo editing!) Even when one of the bloggers I read announced a 6month Fitness Challenge starting October 15th, 2011 to April 15th, 2012…I signed up, made some goals… and guess what 1 month into it… I had visited the treadmill a total of 3 times in a period of 5 days-the first week and hadn’t been near it since…
Living up in the north there is no gym in my community… so I knew if I wanted to be active, particularly in the cold, dark days of winter… I should get myself a treadmill. So I did. I researched found one, was very excited… set it up… used it for a week. And then got sucked into that veggin’ on the couch watching mindless tv after work, and then hitting snooze a dozen more times…not getting out of bed in time to visit my spare room and the treadmill before work.
Does the idea of living a healthy life…and being physically fit matter to me? Yes, it does. There was a time in my life about 6 years ago..where I went to a gym really regularly. Like at least 3 if not 4 times a week. Working out with a trainer two times a week…and doing cardio on my own at least 2 other times a week on my own. Boy did I get results… I put my mind to it.. and I just DID it. Heading to the gym after work… not coming home until 7:30 or so.. long days yes, but I came to love working out. I think one of the biggest obstacles is that I remember what my body then did, and how it performed… and I’m pissed off every time I go to work out that I didn’t keep it up. I feel so out of shape and it’s brutal.
It’s not rocket-science, I know what to do… I know the exercises… I have friends that are currently doing amazing things, and facing their own personal demons and are way further on this journey than I am. I find them inspirational and I wish I could too be just like them…(my brain says that yes, I can be like them) but still I sit on the couch or hit that snooze button morning after morning.
Tonight, after a friend on FB announced that they were going to the gym… and they’d talk later. I replied, “Oh me too.” But I started to cook dinner, and then ate dinner… all the while thinking. What is the matter with me? How come I can’t make myself do what I know will make me feel better…and get me back into that shape I remember. I didn’t have many answers for myself. After about an hour and half of time wasting… I went to my bedroom put on a pair of shorts, a tank top and my socks…and headed into my spare room. I turned on my TV-it happened to be on Much Music’s Top Hit Count Down… the #2 Hit was on: LMFAO’s “Your sexy and you know it…” Now there’s some motivation if a girl ever needed it! …soon after pop-up videos started. There I was… walking away, sweating up a storm… and suddenly this thought came over me. I think part of my hang up in this journey is my fear of failure…I fear that if I actually TRY to do something like get better in shape, and then don’t succeed whose to blame? ME… and I don’t want to fail…so I don’t really put much effort into it. Yep, smart thoughts…really sabatoging… you know what I thought? I thought SCREW that… I put my finger on the increase speed button.. and started to run. I lasted at a running pace for a whole pop-up video song.. Katy Perry’s song “E.T.”! YES, I ran for that WHOLE song… at a 5.0 pace…I honestly didn’t think I could do something like that, but I surprised myself, my legs remembered and my breathing struggled at first but I got my groove…I just have to work on my endurance!
Afterwards, as I put my pace back to a fast walk… I smiled to myself and said, “I CAN and WILL do this…” I guess it’s a matter of MIND over MATTER. I need to stop the sabotaging mind games…and just do it. I’m not going to say it’s going to be easy…or I’m going to get this done quickly. I have a feeling every day will be a battle but it’s one I’m going to continue to fight! And you know at the end of my 45mins on the treadmill today… I had jogged for a total of 5 times for 3-4mins each time! I call that success… today I won.
…now that this particular fear or “elephant in the room” has been named maybe the rest of this journey will get easier. It’s not something I’m going to talk regularly on here about…but I’ve set some goals(both long term and short term).
Short Term Goals: For the next 3 weeks before my vacation I’m going to walk on my treadmill at least 3 times a week., I’m going to have breakfast every morning, and drink more water–and less pop. I also have other ‘long term’ goals I have written down..but for now I’m going to focus on the smaller ones that can be fulfilled in the next 3 weeks.